tangled fingers and tied tongues.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 12:12:31 GMT

I know, I know. I've been lacking, making excuses for not writing and avoiding thinking for a long while now.
But as my time in Oxfod draws to a close and I start on that rocky road of growing up, I guess I'm truly starting to understand the value of self-expression and how honest-to-god important it is to sometimes say anything in the hope of saying something that lets out how you feel inside.
So here I am, ten months later. And what have I achieved in those ten months? well...
January I turned 21. Went snowboarding and started the write up of my dissertation.
Febuary I had the kind of valentines days they have in films.
March Leigh and I had a year anniversay. Didi and I drank malibu and apple sourz for great britain and had to be 'escorted' home on numerous occasions.
April I had four essay due as well as my dissertation... which was a nightmare beyond words.
May I got hideously drunk on mayday and had to be carried home by patch, attended my last lecture and my relationship hit a crisis.
June I started working as a slave to the summer school system.
July I moved, house and soul.
August I wished I was dead.
September I graduated and realised why I glad I was alive. Rebuilt my relationship, fixed my friendships and learnt a good few lessons about life.
October Leigh turned 21 and I decided to move back to London.
November.... december... january... who knows.
All I know is as of next sunday, I'm leaving Oxford and starting pretty much a whole new 'chapter' of my life, as corny as that sounds. I'm growing up, and its pretty much the scariest thing I've ever considered having to do.
I guess I'm just lucky to have the friends, family and beau that I do.
I'll get there in the end, I guess, I hope. We'll see.
No lesson at school or lecture at uni ever prepared me for this.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 08:52:56 GMT

Well that was one hell of an anti climax. Four essays, two presentations, a winter ball, a shirked staff party and three Christmas dinners later comes the end of the semester. And once again I am back in the ghetto of south London. In good old Crystal Palace, again. Woe is me. BUT, on the plus side, we do have our own ice rink. But I'm not sure its much to compete with the natural history museum. Still, its better than hippy eco warriors and carnies I suppose.
The last few weeks have been, to put it bluntly, a bit rubbish. The ball was a bit of a disaster at the end, Leigh and I have managed our fist tentative steps into the domain of couple’s arguments, I have hated my friends and I have rather disliked myself to boot. Plus the mountains of reading, the week long pre Christmas diet of a migraine and the kidney infection. I just feel a bit… washed out now. I’m levelling out as pretty much the emotional equivalent of 9/11, which is a bit of a shame in my opinion cause no-one should go mad at Christmas. Everyone should just sit around and eat mince pies, and watch movies that the ok but not good enough for you or anyone you know to own, and argue with your family and not think too much. Well, I managed the arguing with the family about ten minutes after arriving home, I have enjoyed my fair share of mince pies at Toms belated birthday and I have already watched ‘watership down’. But alas, I cannot find the off switch for the shit tip of my head.
I tried to figure out why I do this to myself, work myself up into tears and complete frustration… but I can’t seem to find the answer. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I just don’t want to see it. Maybe its because I know its, well, just… me.
So. Its three days till Christmas… just checking my maths there. I’m hoping it really is the 23rd today… wait. That means its two days till Christmas. Crap. Ok. So, its two days till Christmas. I have to go and pick up our Beef Wellington and some lamb from Marks and Spencers, cause my mum has abandoned me under the pretence of visiting her parents in law, but I know its just cause she wants to see my uncles brand spanking new extension and to hang around with famous people in Oxford. I also have to wrap presents, and see Ben, and maybe call Rue if I work up the courage. But right now, I don’t really feel like doing any of those things. I feel a bit like settling my arse back into the sofa to watch cribs and eat yoghurt coated raisins and send love sick messages to Leigh. But I know I’ll see him on New Years, and I know that cribs will just be the same shit all over again, And I know eating too many yoghurt coated raisins makes me sick. But I want to do it anyway. Even though I know I shouldn’t. It still beats dragging half a cow and a dead lamb around with me on the tram.
I feel a bit like my drive for life has been involved in a high speed wreckage. And knowing me, I don’t have any insurance.

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 16:08:54 GMT

Travelling from home on monday.
Loosing my memory on tuesday.
Making an idiot of myself on wednesday.
Doing my back in moving barrels on thursday.
Getting horribly drunk with my brother on Friday.
In love on saturday.
Getting down and dirty with Killswitch tomorrow.

My life so hectic I am left with no time to think. For the best really.

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 12:30:08 GMT

I haven’t been on here much recently. Mainly because nothing much has happened, partly because I feel an intense need to keep my feelings and thoughts utterly private at the moment. All that’s happened really is I’ve returned to Oxford from home, been missing lei (to the point of absolute frustration) and got myself addicted to those little actimel yoghurt pot thingys.
Since getting back, things have been slow. But anything is better than being at home, no matter how much I miss it. Half my friends hate me, a lot of them aren’t talking to me, and the rest of them, well… aren’t there. I feel like most unpopular person in the world, for a variety of reasons. Judas had more friend than I do, and even if that’s not true… he still had more money than I do. So I’m Miss Loner, mainly because everyone thinks its my fault that Elliot died, and for the most, I just can’t shake that accusation. And it hurts. The only reason I really went back was to see my brother and possibly the rest of my family as well.
I think I might even be looking forward to the new semester, even though I know I’m going to have shed loads of work and am going to be mega poor for the rest of my god given life. All I’ve done with my time recently is get stoned with d, ren and jojo (a truly horrible experience… I am never smoking again), get horribly drunk and ask people if they can burp or if they’ve ever seen a hedgehog (I can’t, and I saw one for the first time ever the other day. Woo!), work, read and sleep. Oh, and go and see Elbow play at the Zodiac, which was actually really awesome. Except I was like the 8th wheel in a group of couples… which sucked, because Elbow isn’t exactly known for the cheeriness of their songs… alas. All the same, it was cool… as was lying in south park at three in the morning with a cup of tea and the inklings of a killer hangover staring at the stars.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this entry. I haven’t even gone into the specifics of, well. Anything. I just feel weird at the moment, mixture of the left overs of the weird mood I get in every summer and way things are making me feel. Like the fact I don’t know who I can trust anymore, not even myself. The fact that I feel so small at the moment, like I’m the least important person ever to have existed, and no-one would really notice if I wasn’t here.
I just feel lame right now. I know I’ll feel better next week, when everything gets going again. Its just the waiting. Its just the over thinking and inability to sleep. So I’m to go listen to the millions of cd’s d made me to try and cheer me up the other day… knowing I’m just going to end up listening to Killswitch as loud as possible and wondering how exactly it is that I always screw up so badly and if it really is my fault that the one person I ever really hated is dead.

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 15:52:16 GMT

Ok, so this morning, I woke up, and I was really pissed off. And I’m not even sure really. Maybe its because I’ve been accused to lying by because I won’t tell all the sordid details of my life to people who insist its their right to know. Maybe its because I can’t understand why if someone says that they really does care about me and want to stay friends why its suddenly ‘too hard to be around me because they can’t be with me’. Maybe its because I really want to tell someone how angry I am but don’t know who to tell, or who even wants to know. Or because I’m really scared that I’m loosing all my friends cause I’m a really rubbish person really, only no-body knew it before, but they’re realising it now. Maybe its because I hate the feeling that this is all my fault and the only person I’m really pissed off with is myself.

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:47:38 GMT

Sunday 24th July 2004. Elliot killed himsself. Hung himself from the rafters by a dressing gown cord.
And there goes my anger, and my emo mood swings. There goes every reason I was ever given to doubt myself. Every flaw I ever used against myself.
I hated myself for him. I hated him for myself. And I hated everything he ever said and did. And I miss him for everything her never was and everything he will never have the chance to be but I always knew he could be. Is that so wrong?
And now Rue isn't talking to me cause I couldn't explain why I could not cry. The funeral is tomorrow, and I'm not going. Because Rue says I'm a coward. Because I'm too scared to go, because I don't know what is in me, how sad I really am. I don't want those floodgates to open. Not in front of his family, all those people who watched us fall apart and said I told you so when it all ended in tears. I refuse to let them see me fall apart. Because honestly, do I even have the right?
After everything. What is there left now, but everything that that 20year old boy could have been.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 17:41:25 GMT

1. I'm in a relationship.
2. I can't eat sugar.
3. I am in love.
4. I think Bush is an awesome president.
5. I think gay marriage should be approved.
6. I enjoy playing my music loud.
7. I like to decorate stuff.
8. I love the color silver.
9. I have too much free time.
10. I love hugs!
11. I like to take pictures
12. I am a blonde. I was, originally. Believe it or not.
13. I love Vanilla Coke.
14. My parents are divorced.
15. I get amused easily, sometimes.
16. I hate my siblings.
17. I love all my friends to death. I love them to life when they are sad.
18. I have been to the Bahamas at least once.
19. I love Aladdin. Never seen it, is that bad?
20. I'm afraid of losing loved ones.
21. When I get home the first thing I do is get on computer.
22. I need to apply myself more.
23. I need more sleep.
24. I like to write poetry. (BADLY)
25. Hypocrites piss me off. even though i can be one
26. I wish I could ride a motorcycle.
27. I don't like chocolate much.
28. I have weird dreams.
29. I don't have a shower.
30. I love to swim.
31. I'm scared of changes. {some changes}
33. I don't do extracurricular activities.
34. I'm too lazy.
35. I am an atheist.
36. I tend to hate jerks.
37. I'd rather have a small group of close friends than a large group of friends that I didn't know all that well.
38. I'm easily hurt.
39. I'm an Internet nut.
40. AIM takes up 1/4 of my life.
41. I like giving gifts.
42. I enjoy receiving them as well.
43. I'm quiet in class and loud with my friends.
44. I love watching movies.
45. I am very crazy at times.
46. I want to learn how to play the flute.
48. I hate my homelife.
49. I don't like eating.
50. I leave school soon.
51. I am an impulse spender. I’m a crap shopper.
52. I only ever seem to drink pepsi/coke.
53. I have lots of nicknames.
54. I've had an LJ for over a year.
56. I'm tough on the outside, sensitive on the inside.
57. I love video games.
58. I am shy at first.
59. I'm scared that the entire world hates me and I just don't realize it.
60. I love sarcasm.
61. I'm a bit blonde at times.
62. I think I scare people sometimes.
63. I think snobby people suck.
64. I hate it when people judge others.
65. I prefer the internet to the TV.
66. I can cry and not be sad.
67. I take a shower every day.
68. I interrupt people a lot.
69. I hate it when people ignore me or irritate me.
70. I'm quiet, then I come out with random outbursts.
71. I have a lot of pet peeves.
72. I hate scratched CD's and DVD's.
73. I love blue eyes. Depends whose they are.
74. I hate acting girlish.
75. I'm a very messy person.
76. I want more piercings
77. I hate my figure.
78. My friends are loud but awesome.
79. I sleep on my side.
80. I appreciate nice things that are done for me, even if it's just a compliment.
81. I'd love to have the money to buy things for people for no reason at all.
82. Iced coffee is the best.
83. I want to get my ears pierced again.
84. I have my belly button pierced.
85. I like sitting around doing nothing if it pleases me.
86. I don't like talking to new people. Not so much I don’t like it, I just suck at it.
87. I love horse back riding.Never tried it, but I want to.
88. I'm a day dreamer.
89. I never want to get married.
90. I like clean sheets.
91. I love to ramble about random things.
92. I don't sleep much.
94. I loathe sunbathing.
95. I'm scared of the near future.
96. I hate it when parents take sides.
97. My sign is Virgo.
98. I share my Birthday with an enemy.
99. I love receiving LJ Comments.
100. I've rode in a hot air balloon.
101. I've bowled left handed.
102. I love popcorn.
103. I've liked my best friend before.
104. I wake up to an alarm clock.
105. I hide things under my bed.
106. I hate close-minded people. But then, we all make our judgements.
107. I have gone sky diving.
108. I've written a book. {am writing}
109. I love Def Leppard.
110. I make wishes on "11:11".
111. I play lacrosse.
112. I have the same best friend since kindergarten.
113. I absolutely love cute/weird socks.
114. I know what I want to be when I grow up.
115. I write in cursive.
116. I paint my nails.
117. My best friend lives in another state.
118. I watch T.V. to fall asleep.
119. I try to always do my hair in cute styles.
120. Whenever I'm bored, I usually resort to dumb quizzes like this one.

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 02:33:27 GMT

How can I tell you
That all I was to him
And all he ever made of me
Is lies
That not even he had faith in.

And you told me to let go
Let go of that anger
Those fears
These insecurities
And I told you

My fear will be your fiction
If you give me reason
To rewrite that truth.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 14:47:55 GMT

Leigh came to see me this weekend. I woke yesterday morning, with my huge curly hair and sexy spot cream all over my face, opened the door, and there he was. Just standing there. And all I could think was…. wow. Its you.
Now that’s a good feeling. That’s something I’ve needed. Something that I just couldn’t put my finger on. That’s what makes everything ok.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 14:42:33 GMT

Have you ever had the feeling that your life is crashing in on you?
Days when the littlest thing can spark that horrible feeling inside your lungs that tells you to back away now, or you might just fall apart, there and then in the middle of tescos, next to the washing up liquid.
I’ve been meaning to write for ages, but just never got round to actually doing anything. Because in between all the shifts and the sorting of my dissertation, I’ve just had spells of nothing. Where I sit and forget everything and my mind goes blank. Almost like sleeping without drifting. Just away. Vacant. Spaced out. Gone. And I can’t sleep and I’m not hungry. And I’m worried about Randy still, even though I made him laugh, which made me cry. And I just can’t seem to organise my head.
When B says ‘I’m in love with you’. I can’t help thinking he doesn’t mean it. And I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say or what to think. Even though he keeps telling me to forget it. Forget it? Ok. I’ve forgotten. Because if that’s what it takes to get back what we had, then, so be it.
But then, I don’t know how. For all the times I thought I’d just die to hear anyone say it. He texts me. And it felt like nothing. Because there was nothing I could say in reply.
And that’s the worst part. Hurting someone without even saying a word.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 11:47:29 GMT

He was bleeding inside. In the real way that means something inside is physically not right. He has broken ribs and a fractured thigh bone. And he’s been given lots a grapes. A bizarre present to be giving someone with a severe eating disorder. And I cried, and now I’m all cried out. And today, when the sky is so heavy and the world so slow, I think he might finally understand how to get out of this.

‘…and hey girl, when did you get so beautiful?’
laughs ‘when you stopped seeing the world around you’
... He told me to stop getting fresh with him. That he was still older and smarter than me.
And thats the boy I know.

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 09:11:46 GMT

What with all this crazy summer sun and lack of constructive activities, I got myself a blinding headache last night and felt terrible. Missed work. Slept. Awoke. Cried. Slept. And remembered how the first time I had a migraine after I came to uni, when we were still at Harcourt, Ian held my hair while I was sick and brought me water, and sat with me till I fell asleep. And I keep thinking, he was so good, but only those times he let himself be who he was and not all caught up in who he should be. So maybe we weren’t made for each other, that much was obvious to anyone who saw us. We were doomed from the start, too alike, too different… but I knew him. I knew him so well, and for what? To forget him? To throw it all away? It seems like such a waste of the time we spent together. Then I thought of Leigh. And how he never listens to what I say, never answers questions, forgets thing so easily. And how, even thought he drives me mad with those things, its still him who notices when I go missing at the staff party when I locked myself in the loo and cried cause I know I’ll never be good enough. And its him who brings me minstrels at work even though I told him I didn’t need anything from the shop. And at three in the morning when I wake, headache gone, standing on the doorstep looking at a moon so large it could be the sun in disguise, setting its course for the day to come… its him I was thinking of. How I love him for everything that he is. How I miss Ian for who he was before we went so wrong. How I hate that, some nights, I just can’t stop thinking. And how I couldn't shake how alone I felt, right there, right then. Right now.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 21:22:58 GMT

I've been thinking (first for everything)... and all I can really say to him this time, for the last time, is... let it lie.
We've gone past 'lets be friends'. All that is left to salvage are memories. Don't make them all blood and guts. I used to think we could be friends forever. Rue made me think. He told that this time, I would do myself good. And I'm thinking there is no sense in crying over spilt milk when it is always me that insists on tipping the bottle that little furthur, just to see if anything new spills out.
I know where this is going. Right back to the start. To the second chance I gave him and the third chance I refused him. Whats done is done boy. All I can say is, we were good for the shortest while. Let it lie for what it was worth. We're nothing now.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:11:27 GMT

I haven't prayed since I was 16. Just before my last ever french exam, and I knew my parents would kill me if I didn't get a half decent pass, even though I hated the subject and have barely spoken a word of the language since.
Tonight. I wish I had someone to pray to. Just to say, please don't let him die. He's not ready.
Not yet.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 16:49:39 GMT

He used me as a punch bag, taking out every single bad day and rough ride he had. I was his personal joke. It was me that made him feel better everyday, making me feel worse than he did about himself, just to make himself feel better.I was his excuse to make everything in the world seem ok.
And still it was me to pick up the peices when he took a warm bath with razor blades. It was me that told him he was worth more than his scars. It was me that told him he honest to god owed me nothing for all that had happened between us. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being all self righteous here... I just want to know exactly what right he has to come back, after everything, and tell me 'we could have been something if you'd given us another chance'.
You know what? Maybe so. Maybe we could have been something if you hadn't cheated on me. We could have been something if you hadn't made me do those things all those times I said no. We could have been something had you given me a chance in the first place.
You see, the thing is... I am something. I have something. And its not yours. I'm happy now. And I'll be damned if you're going to fuck it up again.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 14:02:40 GMT

I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was so full of pointless thoughts. Thinking that I’m scared of loosing the people I love and that I wish I could make everything right for everyone and about how I’m so fed up of being me. I’m so fed up of doubting myself and selling myself out as a second rate runner-up to everything I could be.
So what, maybe I’m not as hilariously funny and intelligent as you, and my hair goes frizzy in the rain and I get shy sometimes. So what if I don’t have a million best friends, I have the people who matter. So what if I haven’t heard of all those emo, new wave, punk-rock, ska bands you rave about 24/7 and I suck at small talk at parties full of people who are just too cool for school. Cause this is just the way I am. I can’t really change that. But sometimes, I just wish, so badly, that I could.

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 15:51:54 GMT

So. Summer.
Long time no update. We had the last ever playground (non brookes people… this is a big thing. A ‘sad’ day). Prancing around in funeral attire and jumping up and down to the Darkness galore. Last Pleasuredome of the Semester. Didi and I left early, walked home bare foot in the rain and ate chips and cheese. Oh, and Dids and I went to a party the other night where, for once, everyone was all over her… and it was awesome to see her so happy. And that’s the gist of the final days of my second year of life away from home and out in the big bad world. And I don’t know whats wrong with me.
Maybe its cause Randy went back into hospital and no-one told me and no-one will tell me if he’s ok. Maybe its because the same lovely friends neglected to mention that Elliot was about over the summer, and left me to find out for myself walking through Penge yesterday afternoon, hungry and fed up. And he still can’t just let it go. Maybe its because Dads miserable about Nadia and about having no money and not being able to find a house and all that kind of grown up stuff that I so desperately want to avoid forever. Maybe its because I miss Didi and Ste and Olly and Ren and, maybe more likely, Leigh. But… check me out. I did the brave thing and told him I loved him. Oh my was I scared beyond words. But I got it out in the end. And went to visit him in Bournemouth after he went home, after we’d spent the whole week together constantly before he left. He’s a dude. He makes me laugh. He buys me chips on Poole quay and makes me tea in the morning. Even though he took me to halfords for two hours on the Sunday to look at bike he was getting for work. The cutest thing about that? He was worried he’d bored me which he did a bit, but nothing that compare to how sweet he is when he gets excited about club roost grips (wtf?), and doesn’t for a moment realise how the little things he does make me so happy, like holding hands on the bus and the way he plays with my hair when we’re talking.
This summer looks set to either suck or be smart as last year. I miss Leigh already and have no money and Oxford is fast emptying of all my friends… I’m thinking my answer is to just get out of London and away from Oxford and away from all the things that made me so low in the first place and go visit people. Like Loopy, on the Cornish coast, and eat ice cream and take photos and remember what it is not to be a loner again. Because I might have been born and loner and loser with no social skills and a backwards sense of humour, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be condemned to it forever.

Fri, 13 May 2005 17:23:43 GMT

Edit... apathy will be the death if me. If i can be arsed.
Almost set fire to Rens room on Monday. Did last minute revision. Watched finding nemo, full monty and cruel intentions. Smoked. Ate. Tidied. Generally procrastinated for a while… we did get some work done in the end… but not an awful lot. I ran out of enthusiasm and diet coke. Woke early Tuesday to get some last minute revision done. At least, that was the plan, but it sort of didn’t work out like that.
Flunked my exam. Go me. After pushing three weeks of revision, get in there with 5 minutes of reading time left. Sit down after wondering aimlessly up and down the isles for a good few minutes trying to find my desk. Deep breathe. Open the paper… and WHAT THE FUCK?! I can’t remember anything for love nor money. What’s my name? What the hell were the fiscal and monetary policies of the Weimar republic?! WHO THE HELL IS HITLER?! Waffled a bit. Threw in a few dates. Left early. Felt a failure. End up in harts. Story of my life.
Went to Mark and Bens with Monkey and Ren Tuesday evening. Smoked. Watched Fear and loathing in las Vegas and Kids. And Ren did that whole headfuck, ‘you’re imagining this conversation’ thing on me. Played with the hamster the boys have staying with them. Drank too much coke, almost died waiting for the loo cause their housemate was in the bathroom, and the only other toilet they have in outdoors… and Ren was ‘accidentally’ locked out there earlier in the evening. I wasn’t going to run that risk… no way. Tom and Leigh picked us up at about half one, and we all went back to our various abodes… ie. Ren to toms and Leigh here.
Stayed in bed all day Wednesday. Work Wednesday night. Nothing much to say, apart from that I accidentally ran into a wall after telling Owian that I might be blind but I was on no account stupud... and then Ben told Martin, who in turn told everyone, that Labia is my middle name. Which is just wrong. And NOT funny. At all. Well, maybe just a bit, but not really. Much.
Thursday. Jongleurs for Marks birthday in the evening. Funny as fuck. Except Jacqueline was there. It was weird for me. I don’t get jealous, but it just seems that’s just what she wants me to be. And Leigh is just so not with it sometimes. I can’t get annoyed. I’m just aware, that he was so hung up on her. And that sucks. Such is life. He's with me now, and I guess thats all i have to remember. Everyone else headed to the bridge after, Leigh and I walked home. Too much coffee, I couldn’t shut up. He didn’t make me feel stupid in the way Ian always did. This… It’s a good feeling.
Work today. Deliveries. Graham and Karl duct taped Leonies hands together, and then robin chased her outside, rugby tackled her and taped her feet together too. Muchos funny. Went to Morals for a drink after work… Leigh, Olly and Christian were there. Re-hashing Monday. Ollys a man-whore, nuff said.
Now home. Tired. Got work again tonight. No rest for the wicked… tomorrow, sleep, work, Glam. Three pints and two shots. I’ll be made. Now that’s old school stuff.

Mon, 09 May 2005 13:59:17 GMT

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:
Counting crows

Are you male or female: a mona lisa
Describe yourself: black and blue
How do some people feel about you: jaded
How do you feel about yourself: butterfly in reverse
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: accidentally in love
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: here comes that feeling again
Describe where you want to be: recovering the satellites
Describe what you want to be: nothing but a child
Describe how you live: floating over you
Describe how you love: colorblind
Share a few words of wisdom: she don’t want nobody to hear

Sun, 08 May 2005 13:27:36 GMT

The last few weeks have been mental. I’ve had so much on that I’ve been caught up and left reeling. No real time to think anymore, and I feel like I’m forgetting who I am.
Arenas birthday was amazing, marked with four days of alcohol fuelled celebrations. Thursdays with jongleurs followed by chalk and cheese, the latter of which didi and I left early, only to return at 2am in our pyjamas to pick up spak and arena to go to tescos. God knows why. Friday, pleasuredome. I was the hoe, arena was the funny. Pictures to come. Leigh came back from Glasgow too, I was so drunk, and so happy. Saturday, glam. I think I was still drunk from the Friday. We danced. Sunday, party. If I wasn’t still drunk I made up for it. Ste passed out in the corner of my bedroom after covering himself in my moisturiser, Patch had hula hoops put in his hair and Ian made me cry. It sounds like a hugely anti climatic weekend from what I’ve said of it, but rally, it was amazing. I just feel empty today, with no words. Pictures will come. They say it better than I could.
Ollys birthday/ may day was pretty awesome too. We worked till 12 and then stayed for the last two hours of the ball. I got unbelievably drunk in the space of two hours. We headed down to Christians to pick up alcohol and onto the bridge. I fell in a ditch of stinging nettles on the way, dragging didi with me. We stayed for a bit on the bridge before heading home. Olly and Christian jumped off. Leigh watched, looks like the boy does have some sense after all. Home alone, I was scared to sleep. I did nothing all day.
Yesterday I couldn’t stop crying. I cried when I went to brush my teeth. I cried in the shower, but I didn’t realise, because I couldn’t feel the tears. It wasn’t till I got out and felt them still falling that I realised. Didi and arena thought I was still drunk. I may well have been, but what am I today then? Hungover? Homesick?
I keep thinking. Maybe I did love him. How can he hurt me like this if I didn’t? Elliot hurt me, but I didn’t love him. Maybe I did though. Because what is love but a feeing with enough conviction behind it to change your life. Like hate. You can stop hating, you can stop loving. But I don’t believe I loved him, and what is love but a belief? Something to believe in that makes the sun so much warmer and the nights so sweet.
And I keep thinking, maybe I should have given him a reason to stay. But still now, I can think of no reason. It was compulsive, possessive, obsessive… and some days I believed it was real. I believed he loved me and trusted me, like I would have put my life in his hands and not batted an eye lid. Maybe if I had tried harder not to hear all the things he said when he was drunk, and not let it hurt so badly when he would say he couldn’t even remember calling me the names, telling me I deserved what I had got, telling me I was damaged goods, good for nothing but tears. If only I had cared a little less.
And now I’m thinking, let sleeping ghosts lie. Just know that I loved him too much. That he was so defiantly needless and rushed. I would never have been enough.
I knew I loved him because I couldn’t breathe without him. I knew it was over when he stole my air and left me breathless and aching with his words.
This entry sucks. Everything is so perfect right now, so unbelievably right. I am so happy, in a way that I have never really known before. But right this moment, I miss home and I feel like my heart might be breaking.

I'm a loser and I know it...

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 12:42:15 GMT

The last few days have been random on a new scale in my world. Monday… we had the RAG auction in Morals, which was actually wicked funny. Raised over £1000 for charity, even if the fat controller got upset about being bidded for to go on a date with a guy… which, incidentally, was funny as fuck… and I fully established myself as a soundboard for all the men in the world… it all ended well. I was pretty hacked off with my presentation group though, because I went home after the auction while everyone else headed out because we had a group meeting next morning. It wasn’t till later that evening, like…. Half eleven, they rang and said they couldn’t make it. Which sucks, cause I actually did some work this time. Anyway, I ended up staying in with Spak. We watched Pride and Prejudice. Rather, the bit where Colin Firth gets out of the lake and is all semi naked and wet. If only I found him remotely attractive….
Tuesday was…. Uneventful to the maximum. Until the evening that is. The Levellers were playing at the SU and we worked it. We being Arena, Didi and I. Oh, and Tom. And Lynda, his girlfriend. Oh, wait! And Owain. We should have employed Ian and Rob for the evening too, and if only Leigh had been there, it would have been one bad-ass night. NOT. I’ve never a worked such an uncomfortable shift in my life. And it just got gradually worse and worse… and, well, worse. I was in a really good mood myself. Except shrek kept poking me. But because everyone else was all angsty it just, well, sucked. So, to console ourselves, Didi drove arena and I to kebab kid after the shift from hell ended. Simple really, only I managed to almost break my wrist running into a locked door on the way out. Rather, I tried to stop and Didi kept on running. One moment the door was locked… then… it was open… we didn’t break it. However, we did make complete fools of ourselves in front of the levellers who were standing on the other side of the aforementioned doors.
Cut. Sitting in kebab kid, stuffing my face with chicken kebab and chips, nursing my wrist. I have a thought…
‘wouldn’t it be funny if the levellers came to kebab kid!’
Didi gives me one of her looks. Suddenly, Arena points and pokes Didi to which Didi shouts, 'him!' I look behind me… and there is an old-ish guy sitting there. Who, to me, looks like he could possibly be one of the levellers. He winks. Arena asks him…
‘where were you tonight?...’… it is shortly established he is not a member of the levellers, but in fact, the roadie for the group that played in the Zodiac that night. His name being Kris Lee. The band being Feable Weiner (the spelling being a tribute to the band… so I was told by one of the guys) some American emo band from Nashville. Playing with Do me bad. Suddenly, the whole place is full of the band and the relative photographers and tour people. It was crazy. Long story short. I spent most of the time pointing at people and shouting ‘are you in the band?!’, one poor guy especially, who, in the end, gave me his card with ROCK PHOTOGRAPHER written in huge letters across it. Shot down… There was talk of ninjas, the consumption of 100million pizzas, I was called ‘Arse’ a lot…. Long story. The best part of the evening was the lead singer… coming over, and introducing himself. I was hiding, and he came out with his amazing line… ’Alice, talk to me baby…’… in the most amazing accent ever. I think he made us all melt. I would do anything for a guy with that accent, I can tell you this much… he had me at my name. Another guy from the band was besotted with Arena. Called her stunning.These guys were so fucking smooth it was unbelievable. Kebabs eaten, they headed off. As did we. Passing them THREE times on the way home, honking them each time. We were obsessed. We behaved like losers…. Comes naturally though…
Yesterday. I admitted my fuck up on one of my modules, and was told to deliberately fail it. Which is… not cool, but makes me feel a little less worried. And Playground was on. Which we worked. Aftershock promo. Free t-shirts. And stickers. It was a pretty cool night, and for some odd reason. I was in a really good mood. I think its cause Arena told me, simply… to just be happy. I feel so bad because everyone else is so unhappy at the moment. I feel so bad, and I really wish I could make everything ok. But, I know… I can’t. I just wish so badly that I could. I had to fill in an incident report form because something was nicked from my bag… only a tenner. Which, though I am bothered about, doesn’t upset me as much as the idea of someone I trust and work with going through my things. The night was pretty cool though.
Today, going into town to sort out stuff for the house party on Sunday for Arenas birthday. And prepare for tonight, Jongleurs… the start of four days of alcohol fuelled celebrations. It’s the least I can do for her after everything. If I die, it was nice knowing you.
In other news?.... I’m addicted to Weetos. I miss Ian as my best friend. My wrist feels better. I think I might be missing Leigh (but don’t tell him that, BIG HEAD). And Elliot left me a message on my voicemail. I think I know what Arena was trying to say the other day when she said she felt like her heart had shrunk. I’m happy at the moment. I love you all. Don’t let me let him do this again.

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 23:00:30 GMT

Why is it some days you see alot of people on crutches?

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 11:15:35 GMT

Idlewild were awesome. Even if Rue managed to piss on my evening and El still managed to be a big fat cockmuncher despite being over a 100 miles away. What a diamond. I want to marry Idlewild. All of them. Except maybe the one with the dodgy sideburns… what’s his name?!… nevermind. They can make me tea and be my sex slaves…. Epic. And on that note... Leigh came home with Arena and brought kebab and chips, and I was a asleep and dreaming about pandas reading me poetry (recurring… and odd) and I thought they were pandas…. I was really confused. And Leigh was really drunk, and it was really funny… and I was really hyper and I don't know why... but it still hasn't gone away.
Was good to see Rory again, I reckon he had a pretty wicked time at the gig…. Was good to see him smiling. Then yesterday, I brought him Vodka, and put him on a coach. And made him a CD. And made Leigh a CD. And ate Humous.
Then, last night, at Glam, I was put to work in cloakroom. Got guilt tripped down from Harts bar by Matt Kelly to cover a shift in morals, and ended up upstairs with lots of coats, hangers, 50pence pieces and broken tables. Broke the tables a bit more, fell off a chair spying on the door team, harassed the stewards… well, actually, I was harassed by Ali, who kept poking me till I smiled because he likes my smile. Woohoo!… and didi and flick came up to see me. I was really hyper from drinking shots of coke in Harts right at the start of my shift… Patch came up to see me too. Which was sweet of him, and Will too. And ste. And monkey. And jellybean. And Oli. Oooh! And karaoke bob (who told me he was disappointed that I fell asleep on Thursday and expected better of me this week… ie. Being awake…). Then, shift finished, I ran out of energy… and then I came home, and ate weetos.
Slept really well. Now I’m up again. And still really hyper. And eating more of Arenas weetos. And I just realised how entirely pointless this entry is. Please feel free to ignore it…. Maybe I should have written that at the top. Oh well. All I was really planning to say was Idlewild were wicked. I drank too much coke And Leighs gone to Glasgow for a week, and that sucks. But maybe I’ll get some work done. For once. Well… I can hope anyway… actually, who the hell am I kidding? I have to do SOME work for this presentation on thursday for my suck-ass group... but, I mean, come on... whatever.

You. Yes, you. Again. Why is it always you?

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 11:48:35 GMT

Why do i always insist on letting my sleeping ghosts lie... and yet lie to me again? I feel like I'm being taken for a ride just because he knows that I just can't hate him. Even after everything. I just cannot hate.
I keep asking myself... why is it that everytime I tried so hard to make him smile, to let him know I wasn't going to be the one to bail on him... he just pushed me away furthur. I never intended to walk away, but he pushed me so far, that in the end... it just seemed way too far to be going back. Again. And thats most definatly his loss. Not mine. He had it good with me, cause I know I was always way to patient with all his shit. I always let him take advantage of me. I let him do to me again and again what I never said yes to in the first place. And he took away all my self respect for so long. And owe him nothing. Absolutely nothing. I know that now. Honestly, I do. After everything we went through and all the time he said he was sorry, I know...He had it good, and he threw that away. End of story.
But seriously, I'm thinking... girl, stop doing this to yourself. Don't let him back in again. Not this time.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 13:37:02 GMT

Woke up this morning to a million missed calls (almost typed cake there…) on my phone from my dad, and a voicemail from my little brother pretending he was Michael Howard asking me if I was going to be voting conservative.
My dads getting married, is what he wanted to tell me. So I’m getting a step mum and step brother… four parents… get in there! A whole new load of people to add to my already amassed family. Pretty cool really.
I’m not how I feel about it all, not badly I know that much. The news is still very new, I’m reeling a little bit I guess. It feels so strange for things to be happening, things that aren’t bad. Things that don’t pull us apart and leave us all stranded in our own perpetual confusion. Being scared and angry on our own. Maybe this is what is needed, just to heal over the last wounds. Just to make things all ok.
All I ever wanted was for dad to be happy, and I guess this means he will be. Which makes me happy too... maybe with all this the last seven years will just be history. And we can just be a normally dysfunctional family. Like everyone else.